Harshness or Self Preservation?

You can decided for yourself if this is harsh or self preservation. I have made up my mind.

The first part of this is something many people know about me. The second part is something only two types of people know about: Close friends, and those who found out too late and from experience.

Firstly, I trust quickly. Since I am generally an optimist about humanity and humanity's ability to love, I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. As long as they don't prove otherwise in the first few days I know them, I will bring them close into my circle of trust. Then after a few deeper conversations (Or more then a couple drinks) I tend to draw them closer into the circle. I open up and tell them many things about myself. Things that could be used to hurt me, but I trust that they won't do that to me.

It isn't hard to get into this circle of trust. Many people are. There is a closer circle but that one is off limits to most people, only a select few friends and girlfriends make it into there. For the most part though, just being a friend means you can learn almost anything you want to about me and my life, thoughts, and emotions.

Secondly, I only trust once. Once you fall from my good graces, it is hard, nay, nearly impossible to return to them. If you use what you have learned while I trusted you in a way that hurts me, I will not let you in any longer. Also this is rather permanent. Only one person successfully made it back, and she threw it in my face and hurt me a second time.

I've been told (by people who have hurt me and therefore are no longer trusted) that I am overly harsh. However, I say, that I am overly compassionate trusting them so quickly with so much in the first place. Trusting once is the only defense I have against people who wish to harm me in such a manner. If I let people who betrayed me once in again, then I would be setting myself up to get hurt again.

Take note though, that this is about trust. There are indeed other ways someone could hurt me and not lose my trust. I tend to forgive these infractions. Trust, however, is so vital to me that I cannot allow untrustworthy people to stay close enough to do harm.

Those of you who are trusted and did not know this, just make sure you stay trustworthy and you will never have to deal with this. Most people never find this out about me unless they ask, or they are listening to me rant about an event where I ousted someone from my trust (or of course, read this). For those of you who have already betrayed my trust. I apologize if it seems harsh, but remember it was you who betrayed me, and not the other way around.

To kill my cynicism

Every now and again I get very cynical about life, and about humanity. At these times I feel people are generally bad, immoral and untrustworthy. These feelings do not represent how I normally feel about the world, in fact I like to think of myself as being overly optimistic about humanity's future and potential.

What sets off these feelings? I have no idea. Maybe it is just a bad day, or bad week, or maybe I just seem some blatant propaganda that makes me start to hate society and in turn people. Who knows what causes these feelings in otherwise optimistic me!

One thing I do know, is the type of things that make me return to my optimism. Today for instance, I was feeling particularly cynical from the moment I woke up until I was standing waiting for my mocha at Barnes and Noble.

A family, mother, father, and young (probably four year old) girl, came up to the counter. This little girl is the epitome of adorable. She is looking at the muffins and sandwiches in the display and says, "But I forgot my money!" and her mother says, "That's alright, I have some." Then the little girl walks up to the counter. Her eyes don't even reach the counter top. She then tells the person what she wants.

The reasons this killed my cynicism were the way that her parents were looking and smiling at this girl, how this little girl brought a smile to every one's face who could see what was happening, and the pure innocence and purity that this little girl represented.

After this incident, everything seemed to bring light to my day. It was raining when I stepped out of the store, I love the rain. The amount of light coming through the clouds was illuminating the world the way I love it to when I drive through the rain. The taste the mocha left in my mouth reminded me of times long past that I wish I could relive sometimes, and there was lightning every now and again.

Whoever that little girl and her family are, I want to thank them for making my day much better then I thought it was going to be when I awoke. Thank you for killing my cynicism and returning me to my optimistic view of society, people, and life in general.